Not whole in Knothole
by cornwallace
Summary: Mama they try and break me.
1. North

The barrel of a shotgun buries itself into my dad's temple, his furred face displacing itself under the weight of the gun barrel. His eyes lock onto mine just before they drift up to the trigger guard, watching the cold metal finger wraps itself around my father's death. I closed my eyes and brace myself.  
Flinching against the wet impact of his destruction, I taste copper. I taste my dad's blood as I scream, my own voice tearing through my throat clunky and broken, like a dull saw warping and dulling against the hard wood of a stubborn tree trunk. The cold hard grasp of his robotic hand crushes my ankle as he drags me across the carpet harshly and out from under the sanctuary of my mom and dad's bed. Into the air, the blood rushing quickly to my head, making it feel weighted.

I didn't see the bullet that killed my mom. I only heard that one.

"What's this we have here?" the robot holding me up by my leg asks seemingly nobody in particular.

"A baby!" his unseen 'friend' exclaims. "We found ourselves a crybaby!"

My voice has fully escaped me. It's gone.  
though i can't really speak for myself being here, either.

"What do you think we should do with him, Scratch?" the voice behind me echoes off the walls in my mind.

"I got some ideas."

i see beyond the cold exteriors of a couple of machines  
well beyond the objects and into the soul of the sadistic piece of shit that made them  
i know you before i ever hear your name or see your face  
you can't let go of something that won't let go of you 

* * *

The sound of a whirring drill pierces my eardrums. The object is close, sending warning signs up my back. Pure instinctive rebellion.  
Metal crushes under pure blunt trauma and I am dropped to the floor.

Floating, spinning.

Eyes try to adjust. The gun fires and my whole body jerks violently in reaction. A hole in the wall and a streak of sharp color that fades just as quickly as it generates. Fractions of a second. I suddenly realize that I can't breathe. Another shot. My body twitches and I roll over to my side desperately looking for  
any absurd way to reclaim the use of my lungs.

I see a blob of green, whirring and sparking. The robot I couldn't see. It flops around stiffly, abnormally. The wrenching of gears and sharp noises of metal grinding against metal, like the shriek from a dying animal in its own way.  
The violent spray of oil across the white painted walls of the bedroom my parents used to live in. And this is the first time I see you, an opaque blue entity of fury, of rage. I feel something beyond words.

Almost like a passion. A fire deep within my soul. 

* * *

And this is how you find me.

My eyes open to yours, your an obscured blue and beige figure. I asked you to kill me. I asked you to kill me and you start crying and I do too. 

* * *

Just kill me, I whine, my hand desperately grasping your shoulder. Fingers desperately tightening somewhere between your neck and your clavicle. Clawing at you, begging you to kill me. My eyes filling up with tears. My life gone and thinking you had taken it, just wishing you'd take the rest.  
So I could rest.

So I could sleep forever.

But you didn't. You asked more of me than anyone. I felt my fingernails sinking into your flesh.

With your green eyes and blue aura. You wanted to save me but I was broken. 

* * *

The first thing I see is straw, and I start chewing on my cheek. I'm not in the place to handle this, I close my eyes again. 

* * *

My eyes open to a sweet, smiling face, eyes like walnuts. Eyes like almonds. I've lost myself again.

Who are you?  
"My name?" she laughs, almost blushing. "My name is Sally. What's yours?"  
M-.. sigh. I tell her I don't know. I lie to her.

My name is Miles.  
Miles Prower.

"How about Tails?!" she asks excitedly. "Since you have two tails," she says.  
I get it, I say. She shoots me a sour look. I like it, I say.

I try to smile for her. Try to smile for this lady I've never met.

Th-thank you Aunt Sally, I say.  
She fills with joy and she laughs while shaking me ever so slightly. "I'm so glad I could help."  
I'm glad I could too. But I don't say that out loud.

I just smile and I thank her. 

* * *

the weight of the straw pushes down on me and it burns  
but i don't burn, I'm just here to watch 

* * *

Bite my lip in anticipation. Step to counter. The wind is knocked out of me and my legs are swept out from under me once again.  
You look at me with that disappointed look again. Desperately sucking oxygen into my lungs, I am reminded of how helpless I felt that day. 

* * *

The gun in my hand gets closer to my temple, ever so slightly. 

* * *

Looking into your eyes, I see something you'll never admit.  
You're like me. Broken. 

* * *

Your hand tightly grasping mine, pulling me alongside you. Whatever happens to you happens to me, you said. No matter how much I protest, you're always desperately trying to protect me.  
But you can't. Debris slapping the side of your face. This place is going down and we're going down with it.  
You can't so I will. My body pushes itself further than it is willing to go. Legs burning just to keep up with you. Tails rotating to save our lives. First, you're confused when your feet leave the ground. You look up at me with clouded, cynical eyes - before you laugh. The ground crumbling beneath us.

The laugh emitted from your lungs is hearty and genuine. My own reactionary smile does a number on me. Shivers crawling up my back like ants to a forgotten strawberry. For half a moment, I feel complete.

Half a moment before the all too familiar sounds of flesh being torn apart. 

* * *

My grip tightens on yours, and yours against mine. A gasp of almost relief and a gurgle of impending demise. I sob out to you. Sonic. Sonic, I say.

Miles Prower, you say.

You don't say that. You look into my eyes and you gurgle. Somebody's shot you through the neck, I say. Somebody's shot you through the neck indeed.

I put you down. I put you down softly and caress your face. "I'm sorry," I say, licking my lips ravenously. I tell you I'm sorry.

"I'm sorry," you say. 

* * *

Don't apologize to me, Senpai, I whisper into your beloved ear. And then we kiss. 

* * *

I'm sorry I didn't kiss you, I say, expecting a response. Your eyes are empty, but they're still full of joy. This hurts me in ways I won't ever admit. Not even to you.  
I'm burying you because I think I had time to bury you. I'm pretty sure. Shoveling dirt over your glassy, over-joyous eyes. I thought it was a thing too. I'm glad you died happy before you gurgled in pain. If we could all be so lucky. 

* * *

I heard of you, I say, my breath escaping me. I try to catch it. My precious breath.  
"You thought of me?" it asks. He asks. I'll have a hard time believing you're human I say. "You THOUGHT of me? What does that mean?"  
I saw you and I'll kill you. He doesn't understand. My heart pounds against my ribcage.

Stoppit god, I say. Nothing happens. I feel the tears rolling down my face but I didn't realize I was crying.  
Didn't realize I was sobbing.


	2. EATS

'I think you're doing great, Tails!'  
I smile up at him. It means a lot to hear him say that to me. It means a lot to hear you say that to me.  
'Don't even mention it, little bro!'  
Are you alive?  
He shifts uncomfortably before reclaiming his cheesy smile. 'Of course I am, little bro! I live on in your memories, in your thoughts!'  
Rad, I thought you died. Mind handing me that ratchet over there?  
'I can't. I'm dead.'  
I thought you said you lived on? Which is it, you're alive or you can't hand me the ratchet?  
'I can't hand you the ratchet, bro. I live in your memories. I'm dead, you moron.'  
That's lame and stupid. Who's gonna hand me the ratchet, then?

"Uh. H-hey Tails. What are you d-doing?"  
I roll out from underneath the tornado on a rollyboard. I wave to him and take off my gloves and sit up. Hey Rotor! What's clangin', dingus?  
"I w-was just c-coming by to see how you were g-getting along."  
Doin' great, buddy! Would you mind handing me that ratchet?  
"Wh-what are you doing, buh-buddy?"  
Fixin' up the old Tornado! The Tornado II ate the big one on the way into Robotropolis, so I'm tackin' on the paperclips and wads of gum to the Mk I, so to speak. Hand me that ratchet?  
"Uh. Tuh-Tails?"  
Yas'm? I ask, stuffing my shaking hands back into my greasy gloves.  
"Wh-who were you just talking to?"  
You, duh. You gonna hand me that ratchet?  
"B-before that. Before you knew I was huh-here."  
I don't say anything. Actually I ask for the ratchet again. He doesn't acknowledge this and I'm getting upset.  
"Were you t-talking to Suh-Sonic?"  
My angryface immediately beams, smiling like a doof at a good potato. Haha! You know me so well, Rotor!  
"Y-you know he's duh-DEAD, right?"  
I chew the dead skin off my lip, looking this chump right in the eyes. The ratchet, I say.  
Rotor nervously looks at me before looking at the ratchet. He knows which ratchet. He knows where it is. He knows how to tease, how to infuriate me. The ratchet, I say. The ratchet.  
"I'm juh-just worried ab-ah-bh. About you, buh-buddy."  
I breathe in deep and drop the weight of my head against the weight of my shoulders. Doin' fine, Rotor.  
"I kn-know. It's hard for me t-too."  
Hand me that ratchet?  
"I duh-don't think you should be fluh-flying anytime suh-soon, to b-.. to buh-be c-c-completely fuh-Frank."  
Rotor. I know. I know I probably seem like I'm completely insane working on this plane and talking to myself right now, but you have to understand. I need to keep myself busy, you know?  
"Buh-busy, yeah..."  
All I know how to do is work on this plane and take orders from Sonic, man. I... I know you think it's weird but I just need to work on this plane, okay? I need something to do to take my mind off... to take my mind off of it. Please?  
He looks at me like he understands. He probably doesn't. I don't expect him to. But he nods anyway and he says "suh-sorry, Tails! I was just wuh-wuh-worried."  
I look at him like I understand. I know, buddy. I appreciate it.  
He smiles warmly. "Luh-let me know if you n-need anything, ok-kay?"  
Sure buddy. Could you hand me that ratchet?

* * *

 _Dear Sonic,_  
 _In my dreams you are still alive. Like, for real. You can hand me the ratchet, you can ruffle the fur on the top of my head while you're doing a good job. I miss both of those things._  
 _I miss you._  
 _I feel my heart pounding in my chest writing this even though I know you won't or can't ever read it. After I am done writing this letter, I will set it on fire. I will strike a match and set it to the corner of the paper and I will watch it burn slowly until the flame tells my fingers not to hold them anymore. I'll burn it and I'll ask a god I don't believe in for a sign - beg for it maybe._  
 _I've never been good with words. Not like you have. I don't have the charisma or strength to take up your throne. To be like you, which I desperately wish for everyday. I wish I had your strength, your courage. I wish I could inspire people like you inspire me. I love you. I almost wrote loved, but not even your death kills my feelings for you. Feelings. I've never been good with those. I've never understood them. I feel like I should apologize for feeling the way I do about you. I wish I would have tried to kiss you before you died, but I'm glad I didn't._  
 _I tried to save you but I couldn't. I wish I'd have been the one that died. You had so many beautiful ideas to offer this world, but I have nothing. I'm a mutant with a power he doesn't deserve. If anybody deserved to be shot out of the sky, it's me. It's always been me. I have a darkness in me, Sonic. A hatred. A void of loss that can't be filled. I'm writing this to you because I love you. I've always loved you and I've always wanted to be like you._

 _You're my hero, Sonic._  
 _I want so desperately to be like you but I know I'm not. There's a darkness within me, a darkness only you understood and a darkness only you accepted. As nice as Sally and Bunnie are, I can't share my thoughts with them like I could with you. I don't feel comfortable, as accepted as I did around you. I miss you. I wish I would have kissed you. I have dreams where you're still alive and my parents are still alive and they love you and support us. And we kiss._

 _I know you wouldn't like what I'm about to do. I know you'd try to stop me. You'd try to stop me because you're a beautiful creature and I know I suck. But your ideals are in mind. I'm doing this for you, Sonic, and I'm doing it because you officially can't stop me. Maybe this will fix things. Maybe it will make it worse. I'm doing this because I don't have your guidance, but I have your spirit. I hope you understand._

 _I hope you forgive me._

 _Tails._

* * *

"What're you doin', Sug?" she asks cautiously, putting her mobian arm on her robotic hip.  
I'm burning a letter to Sonic, I say honestly.  
"Sug," she sighs, sitting down next to me and wrapping her mobian arm around me. "Sonic is dead."  
Yeah, I say, chuckling. That's why I'm burning it.

I drop it to our feet and she leans her head against mine.

"I'm sorry, Tails."  
I'm sorry, too, Bunnie.  
"Are you okay?"  
I've built my whole life around being like Sonic, I say. I've tried so hard to meet that goal, but I'm starting to realize that I don't think I ever will. I guess you could say that I'm bad Sonic fanfiction, haha.

Her fingers pet me gently around my ears. She has nothing to say, but again, what do you say to that?

At least it's comforting.


	3. soggy

_I can see Mobotropolis below._  
 _Or - Robotropolis._

 _The place my parents grew up is dead. My parents are dead. Sonic is dead._

 _People die. Why not? Makes sense._

 _But maybe a death can mean something. Maybe a death can make a diff-_

* * *

Double vision, my head hurts. My eyes are bleeding. They're bleeding, right?  
It's ok I'm done, I'm finally done. I'm finally done.  
I drag myself under the workbench and curl up. Wrap myself in the tarp.

I'm tired. Just a few hours sleep. All I need. Then I'll be ready. Right?  
I'll be ready.

* * *

 _The keys aren't there, they aren't where they should be. I will find them. God help me I will find them._

* * *

"So, how have you been getting along."  
I almost scoff at the question. Fine, I've been fine.  
"No... psychotic delusions of grandeur?"  
Not me! You might wanna ask Antoine some questions though. Chump's got a whole basket of nuggets on him.  
"A whole basket, you say?"  
A basket, man. A whole basket.  
"What about you?"  
Me? I don't think much of myself, no. No delusions of grandeur here.  
"Someone else, then?"

* * *

 _Someone else. I consider that for a moment._

* * *

Something else, I say. I feel the smile creeping across my lips, that bittersweet smile. Something else.  
"Someone else." Someone. Else.  
Something else...

"You can't run forever, Miles."  
When I can't run I'll fly.  
"You can't fly forever, Miles."  
When I can't fly I'll-

* * *

 _The control sticks in my hands feel like an extension of myself. Life, inside me, in a rare instance flares out and fills me like the sun might a greenhouse or the world might a blackhole, filling nothingness with all of its bleak depravity._  
 _I'm off my rhythm. I'm not sure what any of that means. But I do know things. I'm sure I do._

 _The light emanating the flaming ball in the sky reflects hard off the glass of my windshield and my goggles? Like light, like pretty, painful light._

 _I shudder to think._

 _I saw myself in a reflection. I saw what I am and what I could have been. I saw Sonic. I see Sonic. He looks disappointed in me. I look disappointed in me. Sonic doesn't look disappointed in me, I-._

 _Excuse me, do you have any credentials?_

* * *

The sunrise glaring against my eyeballs. Frying them, I'm sure of it. I squint to minimize the savagery against my being. My body.

I remember his words, his very words. So clearly I remember them.

I'm good, right?  
"Is it good to be good?"  
I try to be good.  
"What is good?"  
It's better than bad.  
"Better than bad?" assault. "Discoloration of your eyes. Explain."  
It's not bad it's good it's the right thing to do.  
"Thank you," strangulation, savagery. "It's inside of you, not me."  
Oh yeah? And what gives you that idea doctor doctor? If that is your real name.  
"Doctor Quentin," battery, battery, "Doctor Quentin T. Quack."  
Oh, I get it. Royal with cheese. Go fuck yourself.  
"Okay," he said, and he went off to fuck himself. He went off to fuck himself.

* * *

 _The trembling control sticks in my hands, the plane knows it's wrong._  
 _it knows it's about to end._

 _Everything ends, I tell it, I know, I've seen it. I've seen it all end. It all falls apart and that's okay, I tell the plane. I tell the plane and I hope it understands that I didn't wanna hurt it. I feel the fire surrounding the plane encasing me like a ball of furry meat inside of a hot peanut shell and I feel the glory of myself like the happiness on a child's face when the spider is murdered and it's ok it's ok it's ok I do this for a living guys it's ok it's fine I'm not in it for the glory or the fame I'm in it for the good in the world I can feel my fur singing hot against my face as this creature gets cooked like the best of us haha._

* * *

I fulfilled my purpose...?  
"Exc-c-cuse me?"  
I... need to fulfill my purpose, Rotor. Give me the keys.  
"N-no."  
Rotor. Please? C'mon.  
"I'm w-worried about you, Tuh-Tails. W-we all are. Sally, buh-Bunnie, D-D-D-"  
Dude I'm fine. Keys me.  
"You have no ruh-reason to be puh-piloting the Tornado. I'm sorry mm-Miles."  
Don't lay that grandpappy dingus nonsensicals on me at all man. Not for a minute. I'm straight, I'm straight. Just woke up from a nap. That shit fixes wagons, baby!  
"You were nuh-napping under the workb-b-bench."  
How do you know about that you fuck. Were you spying on me.  
"Yuh-you-"  
I can't believe this. Spying on me, scheming behind my back. What are you, Rotor?!  
"I'm your fuh-friend, Tails. I'm not gonna watch you fuh-fucking k-kill yourself."

He's caught my eyes in his own and my heart's pilot takes a nosedive. I'm a shameful creature when I see myself through someone else's eyes.  
I know. I'll level with him.

Rotor I am very sorry that I have been such a bad friend to you and Sally and Bunnie and Dulcy and uh. That fuckin' dingo, his name escapes me. As you have noticed in a very genuine and sweet way, it has been a bit difficult dealing with the loss of Sonic. I've struggled to keep myself working on this plane to get my mind off of it, but Rotor, Rotor, Rotor. Check this out, right? This is all I got. My life means very little to the world but I can bring so much good, I can crash the plane right into Robotnik's vicious operations. I can destroy him and myself, I can... I can create a better world. For you. For Sally. For Dulcy. For that fucking dingo, whatever his name is. I can make it better. Let me make it better, Rotor. I can. Please.

* * *

 _I take the skies like I never have. With a sense of freedom, liberation. With a sense of closure._  
 _The wind picks up beneath my wings, so to speak. The clouds pass me by like strangers with stories to tell._

 _Believing in something for the first time in a time period I can't remember._  
 _My mouth waters. My tongue is at the mercy of my teeth. I can't blame the woodchips and the straw for crashing against my windshield, I can only hope they go away. I can only hope they stop as a tree rips off the wing of my plane and we skid sideways into another home into another home into another home._

"Nuh-nuh-NO!"

 _Cooking like a roasted chestnut it was fine. It was bad up until, but what can you do, what can you say? Sometimes you burn and sometimes you don't._

* * *

Thanks, Rotor, I say. I'm sorry, I say before I begin my ascension.

* * *

 _Becoming something else, stepping into that next reality. It's easier done than said. I stood up and took control of my own existence and something happened, something I'm not proud of but it happened and it's something and that's okay. That's life. That's what happens in life._

* * *

I'm sure this is what happens. We're okay, we made it up.  
We ascended. We made it to the sky and the air feels great in our fur. We're alive. We charge forth with our mission, excitement growing in our throat like a dissolving capsule with a dreamshaped sponge in it.  
We saw the sky, and when we saw the sky it was okay, and when we saw the sign in the sky we said it was okay.

* * *

 _I wouldn't disagree with any of the feeding habits, I'm hungry and you do what you gotta do I guess._

* * *

It's the lights I'm drawn to, the lights. I wanna become the lights. I want to be a part of the lights.


	4. Westerners

_It's him, he thinks out loud, it's really him. On my plane and everything. I am so excited._

 _Sonic drags a stiff finger across the bottom of his nose, sniffing it for some odd reason, but this largely goes unnoticed by the general populous. You could say it's our secret._

 _I did it, he lies. I destroyed Robotnik along with myself. I'm so proud of myself._

 _I'm proud of you too, Sonic sez no says. He's supporting him no matter what and it's kinda cute._

 _I didn't kill nobody I loved, he says, lying through his teeth, I just killed Robotnik and it was bad times for ultimate good times._

 _That's good, Sonic sez no says. I'm proud of you._

 _And we all learn a lesson about bad touch and laundry and the shit under the sink and it's all ok._

 _it's ok._

 _It's not much, is it? But I did something._

 _"Yes," he says, smiling. He always smiles now. "You really did. You did a lot for our community and for our cause." Sonic tells Tails what he wants to hear and it's okay._

 _And Tails thanks him. "Thank you, Sonic," he says, just wanting desperately to be recognized by his peer as an equal._  
 _It's okay, he tells himself. I want it to be okay._

 _"It's okay, Tails," Sonic sez no says. "I don't consider you an inferior being. I think of you as my friend, as my equal."_

 _Tails is about to cry, but he doesn't, he doesn't feel like Sonic would approve of that. He worries, he thinks Sonic will hate him._  
 _He thinks Sonic will hate him forever so he doesn't cry._

 _Thank you, Sonic, he says, relaxing for the first time in forever. I needed that. I just needed someone to support me no matter what I wanted to do. I just needed support._

 _"I'll always be here for you, little buddy," he says earnestly._

 _Tails is pleased. He doesn't want to kiss his best friend anymore._

 _I'm just glad you're here, he says. I'm glad you're on my side. I'm glad you back me up, no matter what._

 _Sonic responds with a sad look. He's not so much mad as he is disappointed._


End file.
